Months of Discontent

Each day, there are wonderfully inspired thoughts that bombard my consciousness.  However, whenever I want to put them on paper they elude me and mock me.

There has been something stable about my mental state during the last few months, though.  That is a deep, dark feeling of discontent.  I retired at the end of last year and was asked and elected to serve on the Executive Committee of the organization that had been my employer for 10 years.  This has kept me busy as their Treasurer and, no matter how much I protest to the contrary, I have enjoyed it, although this has not quelled the discontentment.

At the beginning of the year, I began attending the monthly Mass and meeting of the Discalced Carmelites in the area trying to discern if I had a vocation in this order.  It became clear to me that I was too much of an activist to belong.  I felt like a fish out of water because it seemed to be all prayer and not much of getting out of the pew and into the street.  Prayer is their apostolate. Thought I was ready for the monastic lifestyle.  I was very wrong.

There is the Women’s Club at St. Matthew and the K of C Women’s Auxiliary at St. Matthew.  I belong to both.  In these organizations, there seem to be too much action and not enough prayer.  I was going to look into St. Vincent de Paul in our parish, but I have a feeling that they aren’t going to be satisfying either and my discontent will just continue.

As far back as I can remember, I have wanted to be a teacher.  I did eventually accomplish that goal and worked for a few years as a university professor of psychology.  I also volunteered for Religious Ed at my parish for years.  I would love to teach the Faith again or, at least, give talks on it to people.  I think if I was doing that, my prayer life at home would suffice for the balance that I need.  Could that be like my Goldilocks’ moment?  Would that be “just right?”


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